Making love last and last
New state program gives couples tools to aid in communication and resolve conflict
By Pearl Cantrell
Monitor Staff Writer
CEDAR CREEK LAKE–While Valentine cards and gifts are still in view, couples can also give one another a gift that will help insure that their unions will grow to be happier and will stand the test of time.
It doesn’t cost a lot of money. It doesn’t require a lot of time.
And it’s a gift that gets better and better with use.
What could it be?
It’s a collection of tools to help couples resolve conflicts and communicate better.
They are available free of charge, and it takes just eight hours to learn what they are and how to use them.
“If I had known this before, I feel I could have saved my first marriage,” one woman said of the new state program.
“Twogether in Texas” launched Sept. 1, 2008. So far, 6,000 couples statewide have completed the course.
Thirty couples in Henderson County between the ages of 18 and 78 have completed it, and been satisfied with the results, program director Joyce Watson said.
Watson and the HELP Center in Athens petitioned county commissioners to proclaim Feb. 9-13 as Marriage Week in Henderson County, hoping to highlight the benefits strong, enduring marriages provide to society.
The HELP Center is partnering with faith-based marriage programs through local churches to offer this and similar programs in Henderson County.
Couples planning to marry who complete the eight-hour course alone, or in conjunction with one of these marriage-building programs, get $60 of the $72 marriage license fee waived, along with the 72-hour waiting period.
The HELP Center course is also available in Spanish.
“Usually it’s the men who come with the most reluctance, but afterwards are the most appreciative for what they learned here,” Watson said.
Men appreciate learning how women feel and think, and how best to communicate with them. They learn what her particular style of communication is, and, most importantly, how to deal with conflict, she explained.
“You just can’t walk away and expect the problem will go away,” Watson pointed out.
The HELP Center course follows the curriculum and video of Leslie and Les Parrott’s “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.”
The video is accompanied with a workbook containing six lessons in two sections, with activities to assist the couple in putting what they’ve learned into practice.
Some of these exercises include dividing up responsibilities and talking about expectations.
“So many things are just assumed from how they were raised, such as the husband will take out the trash and keep the cars filled with gas and repaired, the wife will cook and do the laundry,” Watson said. “But, when couples have differing expectations, a lot of miscommunication occurs, which opens the door to needless conflict.”
Another exercise explores each partner’s love style or love language. Each learns what makes their partner feel loved and valued.
It could be through encouraging words, or unexpected tokens or gifts of affection, or a partner may show his/her love through acts of service.
Once a couple understands what best communicates love, consideration and appreciation to each other, it is a lot easier to say “I love you” in truly meaningful ways, Watson explained.
Another lesson addresses self-development and improvement by starting with one’s habits. Couples should ask themselves if their habits will likely lead to happiness, and then discover which habits will.
“The habits leading to making a happy marriage has little to do with your partner, and everything to do with you,” the curriculum says.
Other exercises deal with saying what you mean, and understanding what you hear, in order to short-circuit cross-communication.
On the subject of conflict resolution, having a clean fight has everything to do with following the rules of engagement.
Some of those rules include talking about the way you feel, instead of the way your partner does things.
Instead of the accusing “YOU!” an “I statement” is substituted, such as, “In this (name the particular situation) I hear/see you doing (fill in the blank), and this makes me feel (angry, disappointed, betrayed, belittled, sad, etc.).
Another way couples are encouraged to talk about a conflict is for each one to express their feelings and name their top three issues.
After the wife lists her issues, the husband responds by saying, “Thank you,” and then also expresses his feelings and top three issues, with the wife then thanking him for sharing.
The couple parts for 30 minutes to think about what each has communicated before coming back together to discuss possible resolutions to just those three issues.
Finally, to avoid conflict or to prevent it from worsening, couples are taught to avoid criticizing, defending themselves, complaining and totally disengaging from the problem, or stonewalling.
They are encouraged to see the two of them together working to resolve the problem, rather than being pitted against each other.
Couples completing the course are invited back in a year for a checkup.
“We have to learn to love for life. It takes two. One can’t do it all alone,” Watson said.